i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
