Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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