I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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