You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
