went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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