'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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