It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
