I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
