One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
