the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
