I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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