In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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