Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
