he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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