I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
