Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
