We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
