Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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