my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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