I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
