I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
