walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
