3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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