is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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