when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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