If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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