Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This beer is not sobering me up at all
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
