you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
