i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
