I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
