Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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