i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize