Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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