so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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