First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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