Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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