New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
