I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
