I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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