you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
