WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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