In the future we'll all be gay
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
