cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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