a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
