All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
