I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
