I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
