Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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