He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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