dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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