I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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