Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
