Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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